Empathy > Narcissism

It’s been said that the information age helped create, or ushered us into the age of narcissism.

With the advent of social media in particular, for all its virtues, we’ve certainly seen an exceptionally self(ie)-focused collective personality emerge from the shadow of the collective, haven’t we?

Has it made narcissists of us all? I wouldn’t say that.

Yet, clearly it doesn’t always bring forward our best.

And aren’t we seeing this echoed on the world stage? As a culture, I feel we’ve passively encouraged increasingly outrageous, dehumanizing, and dangerous online behavior, such that consistent legal challenges have emerged with respect to what constitutes hate speech, bullying, and the like.

Wasn’t Former Presidential advisor Steve Bannon just banned for life from Twitter for inciting beheadings?

And lest we forget 45 essentially lit the match of his political popularity by trolling 44, igniting a firestorm of shadow-dwelling white nationalism and other warped, anti-social, hate-based ideologies in the process.

But I digress. Sort of.

If it’s true that the information age begot the age of narcissism, we do now, thankfully, seem to be on the cusp of a shift. I’m wanting to believe that.

45’s out. That appears true at the time of this writing. Though no one half-awake expects him to bow out gracefully, and I doubt he’s gong anywhere. And neither is the bigger problem, 45-ism, in my opinion. But that’s another post.

Here’s the thing.

It was always easy to paint 45 as a narcissist. Ridiculously easy. Very few (convincingly) denied that he appeared to meet most if not all the professional criteria by simple observation of his own remarkably consistent, remarkably horrible words and actions.

Now, I’m biased, I admit. Growing up on Long island, 45 minutes from Manhattan, the never-ending stories of his scamming, threatening, evading, bullying, defrauding, lecherousness, and generally anti-social behavior (not to mention his vicious, flamingly racist and baseless indictment of the Central Park Five) had me intuitively conclude long ago that narcissism was surely present, yes, but only the surface of a deep disturbance that’s since been conjectured about extensively since.

As for him personally, he is who he is. And he is worthy of empathy no less or more than anyone else.

I repeat, he is worthy and deserving of empathy.

Admittedly, that’s a lot easier for me now that he no longer possesses the power of leadership he neither deserved nor was capable of wielding properly, in my opinion.

But I focus on this here because I view (the rise of) 45 as a symbol and sign of the times—a mirror reflection of the point at which we’ve come as a culture, as a people. And by this I mean a people nearly inspirable from the digital avatars we’ve merged with.

10 seconds into the first recent Presidential debate evidenced this pretty well.

No decorum. No civility. No respect. No substance.

A lot like we see in ourselves online today.

I thought it was a promising sign that most folks on seemingly all sides decried it outright.

So if 45 was the figurehead; the bursting pimple on the collective narcissistic forehead of America, and he’s not to return to the throne, I presume (I pray) there’s only one direction we can head.

The direction of empathy.

Why do I say?

Back to narcissism for a minute. A little primer…

Think of narcissism in the broadest terms by first understanding that there is healthy narcissism. It’s in all of us; from a developmental stage where it’s essentially all about “me!” that we enter once it dawns upon us that we are actually a separate being from Mommy.

“I’m ready for my due, world, here I am”

When successfully navigated by caregivers, by “good enough" parenting (in the words of the famous child psychiatrist Donald Winnicott,) then this stage naturally gives over to the emergence of empathy- of cooperation, give and take, humility, of the beginnings of intimacy (in-to-me-u-see) and other such pro-social traits.

When this stage is not successfully resolved, when there are severe, especially prolonged frustrations, when healthy narcissistic mirroring needs are met with responses like consternation and dismissiveness, unhealthy shame ignites.

That’s where the trouble starts.

Those who appear to develop real problems in their self-concept, unable to successfully resolve the early narcissistic rite of passage, may develop real deficits in pro-social relating whereby its difficult- sometimes perhaps impossible- to see others as separate, sovereign beings existing for reasons other than to provide narcissistic gratification to oneself.

There’s a mere snapshot of how healthy narcissism turns dark, malignant, and functions as a grand (though ever-so-shaky) defense against core-level shame and self hate. By conforming to its opposite: grandiosity, entitlement, omnipotence.

A house of cards personality.

And so if narcissism is in essence a master defense against a most insecure and unstable sense of self, as many others before me have argued, and if our American Humpty Dumpty of a figurehead just fell and can’t be put back together; if The Great Oz has been revealed to be a cavernously empty power hungry man-child emperor without clothes, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing, and if he is essentially mirroring us, then where do we go from here?

Culturally, and collectively, I say we now have a chance to see ourselves for who we really are.

To remember who we really are.

To wake up.

Yes, Narcissus has a chance, yet again, to gaze into the fabled stream and see himself for who he truly is. A perfectly imperfect, fallible yet still infinitely loveable, whole human being. Essentially worthy, loved, loveable, and interconnectedly inseparable from the whole.

As the ancient wisdom and spiritual traditions teach, there is no “I.”

We are each other.

We are fragments, fractals of the whole of creation. Of The Divine.

Perhaps, as Americans, it’s our chance yet again to see our brother as ourselves. To be our brother’s keeper. To treat they neighbor as thyself, and all that good stuff.

And to Rise Strong, as Brene’ Brown would say.

Poetic Justice perhaps that Ole Uncle Joe is taking the helm. Love or hate him, agree or disagree with him, see a Saint or Sinner in him, or care not either way, there’s an interesting near-consensus that he possesses one thing in abundance.

You guessed it: Empathy. Genuine empathy.

And that means, as far as the mirror theory goes, that it’s still there in us. We haven’t completely lost our way in the U.S.A.

As far as Ole Joe, I suspect he probably always had it; that his early developmental stages were more or less successfully navigated. If not, then I guess there’s nothing like multiple tragic losses of loved ones to drive it home that you are not the center of the universe, lest there was any doubt.

For every action there’s an equal and opposite reaction.

Law of Polarity.

Cause and effect.

Law of karma.

The pendulum swing.

However you slice it, makes sense to me that we’ve found ourselves here, America.

Empathy. It’s got my vote.

If you’re interested in learning more about me (“ME!, ME!, ME!”) please visit Therapy Outside the Box for more information on the services I offer, including Energy Healing, Spiritual Healing, and Integrative Counseling.

A FREE 20 Minute Consult by phone is always available. Call 615.430.2778 or email me at chris@therapyoutsidethebox.com or send a message through the website contact form.

Services offered via Telehealth/Video (two of them available worldwide) during this time of COVID-19.

Peace to You and Yours,

Chris Hancock, LCSW, ACMHP

Wounded Parts, Whole Self

Have you ever heard yourself thinking, or said: “There’s a part of me that…”

Have you ever had, for example, an acute pain response, be it physical (acute injury) or emotional (shock, grief, panic), and recall there being a part of you that was observing or witnessing yourself experiencing the pain without being affected by it?

I bet you have. We all have. Unless we’re disproportionately out of touch with our inner being, our body-based knowing, we all intuitively recognize that we are, essentially, multiple.

Yes, multiple.

Psychologically speaking, we’re both one and many.

It seems the human psyche is a labyrinth of different, separate yet connected parts. Parts that are indelibly shaped and conditioned by all our experiences, our social environment/important others, as well as all the traditions, spoken and unspoken rules, norms, and taboos of the cultural context out of which we arise.

Yet, we all have a singular, unified essence. And arguably, there’s ultimately just One Mind of which we’re all but parts—ever connected to the All That There is.

“The total number of minds in the Universe is One”

Erwin Schrödinger

Now Schrödinger, an adherent to the philosophy of Advaita Vedanta, referred to the concept of multiplicity as simply “apparent,” as if to further illustrate his One Mind concept cited above. (Welcome to the paradox of it all).

The core of multiplicity stems from Multiplicity of Mind theory, of which there’s both a philosophical and a psychological arm. The (modern) theorist most notable for going to town on the psychological side is undoubtedly Dr. Richard Schwartz, PhD, developer of the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model of therapy.

In short, IFS is a model that proposes we all have what he calls a Self, or a “Larger Self.” And we all have what he simply calls “parts.”

(Have you seen the wonderful Pixar film “Inside Out?” Schwartz’ IFS model was the blueprint!).

The Self, in Schwartz’ view, is our true, untouched, infinitely whole essence. This is our ever-connected, innocent and beautiful core state, akin to what complementary models call the “Wise Mind, or “Wiser Self,” synonymous with eastern spiritual conceptions of the Higher Self, Soul or Spirit.

Our parts he views as subpersonalities, split off from the Larger Self, often polarized (at odds) with each other, and all playing important roles and carrying out specific functions for us, for better or worse— though he posits that our parts are always trying to help us. ot always in the best ways mind you, but in the only way they know how.

Basically, the more difficult the childhood, the more parts we have, according to Schwartz.

To me, it’s no wonder the progressive spiritual community at large has adopted the concept. Many life, spiritual, and transformational and coaches seem to have adopted the idea of “parts work.”. In creating IFS, Schwartz went headlong into the treasure trove of eastern spiritual literature to flesh out his concept of The Self, which greatly shaped his utterly intuitive and relatable model. Strangely though, I have yet to come across one noted (public) spiritual teacher or coach that credits Schwartz, references IFS, or any of the precursor psychological schools of thought that incorporated multiplicity in their models. In contrast, I see many speaking about “parts work” as if it were their own conception. And I shudder to think how many people become unnecessarily and/or inadvertently triggered by well-meaning but insufficiently prepared teachers or coaches doing parts work with folks who’ve been severely traumatized.

But I digress.

Schwartz identifies three groups/types of parts—exiles (the youngest, most wounded and vulnerable parts of us), managers (who help protect exiles), and firefighters (parts that spring into action [often consequential, as in wild spending, drug use, unsafe sex, etc] when managers becoming overwhelmed in their function and the system is perceived to be threatened with overwhelm, or what Schwartz calls “flooding”).

Having studied IFS and many of it’s precursors [ego state therapy, transactional analysis, psychosynthesis, and others) since 2005, and incorporating it into my work, I have to say I adore IFS for its non-pathologizing and utterly hopeful stance on human nature, the psyche, meatal health, and how we can all heal, grow and evolve.

Because, from the IFS perspective, there is nothing wrong or broken about us. There is nothing broken. Nothing to “fix.”

We can heal. We can create harmony amongst our parts, unify and inhabit our Larger Self.

How beautiful is that?

Healing in this regard means, essentially, de-fragmenting; creating harmony and integration with and among our parts. It means helping our parts to take on new, updated, more helpful roles and functions better aligned with our present day hopes and goals, as well as getting to sense, feel, and inhabit our Larger Self state as much of the time as possible. Schwartz says we know we’re in our Self (Self-Led) when we feel things like, calmness, centerdness, connectedness, clarity, creativity, and compassion.

Now, here’s where I branch off.

IFS, in practice, the way Schwartz and other teaches it, I’ve found to be a bit laborious, cumbersome, hard to track. So I use IFS—the multiplicity concept at the root, specifically— more integratively, along with other ideas and methods, both as part of my Integrative Counseling specialty, and my Energy Healing (Subconscious Heal and Release®) approach. This approach of mine blends IFS at the foundation, along with subtle energy psychology (ep), somatic, mindbody therapy, a solution focused outcome-oriented focus, utilizes Spiritual Science of the Spoken Word, and kinesiological muscle testing combined with a claircognizant/clairsentient ability. I find to be a faster, cleaner and more efficient way of “unburdening” our parts, creating unity with the Self, and aligning with all we truly wish to do, achieve, feel, and experience.

There are, as they say, more ways than one to skin a cat.

If you’re seeking a Nashville Therapist or Franklin Therapist, and are interested in a multiplicity-minded integrative counseling experience, and/or rapidly releasing old trauma, limiting beliefs and trapped emotions through my Subconscious Heal and Release® approach, please visit me at Therapy Outside the Box or call me directly at 615.430.2778 to set up a FREE 20 Minute Phone Consult, or email me: chris@therapyoutsidethebox.com.

I am available virtually worldwide via Secure Video/Telehealth, and on a case by case (COVID-19) basis in my home office in Franklin, TN.

Peace to you and yours,

Chris Hancock, LCSW, ACMHP

Spiritual Crisis in a Time of Spiritual Crisis

Are you experiencing a spiritual crisis? How do you know? What characteristics, emotions, thoughts, behaviors, sensations, or even dreams paint the picture for you?

Are you unclear if what you’re experiencing is genuine? Do you question it? Are you questioning…everything?

(Do you secretly fear you’re…(drum roll)…going crazy?)

In my experience, chances are, you’re not crazy in the slightest. You just don’t have a framework for understanding what you are experiencing, especially if it’s a true spiritual crisis.

Both personally and professionally, what constitutes a personal spiritual crisis (which can be and mean many different things) is a matter of idiosyncratic/subjective experience, belief, perspective, one’s bio-psycho-social environment, spiritual or religious affiliation of lack thereof, and of course, culture, as such crisis are always culture-bound. Meaning, what in one culture would be considered a bona fide spiritual crisis might, in a another, be looked at (and probably labeled) a moral failing, such as having “imperfect faith.”

At the time of this writing, the world itself, arguably, is in global spiritual crisis. COVID-19, shutdowns, quarantines, racial violence and tensions at a max, never more divisive politics, protests, riots, etc. All the makings of the classic, archetypal process of birth/destruction/rebirth in full swing destruction mode! So, if on the personal level we find ourselves in the proverbial wilderness, experiencing an unusual (for us) darkness, how do we determine if this is a “from without” or “from within” generated crisis? And how much does that even matter? (And it’s probably both anyway!) These are some of the questions I encounter daily as I walk with folks struggling to make meaning of what’s happening, with themselves and the world at large.

I do not claim to have the answers, and it’s precisely these types of hard to pin down, “Both/And”experiences that ultimately defy neat and tidy categorization, let alone neat and tidy solutions. But even before and part from Coronavirus and all its ramifications became our new reality, I’ve been working with people on mental health challemnges that very often could be re-framed as fundamental spiritual crisis. Folks dealing with depression and anxiety in particular—again, inseparable from the social environment and cultural factors—are often in fact really people steeped in spiritual crisis—feeling existentially confused, lost, alone, forsaken, unable to access their intuition and recognize the nature of the spiritual guidance always available to us all.

You might find it surprising that the characteristics of a spiritual crisis are nearly identical to that of clinical depression. The hallmark difference is that a spiritual crisis [showing up as symptoms of depression] is a crisis of the soul. It’s a deeper. far more meaning-laden suffering. It takes a keen eye and broader lens to account for all possible factors that influence and exacerbate suffering not directly attributable to any obvious situational factors. Even though such factors— a divorce, sudden death of a loved one, or many other traumatic experiences can themselves be triggers for Dark Nights of the Soul or spiritual crisis states in general.

And this is to say nothing of the more acute catalysts for spiritual crisis that come in various forms of what we call potentially Spiritually Transformative Experiences (pSTEs).

Things like:

• Shamanic crisis/illness: a form of identity crisis where the individual experiences drastic changes to their meaning system (their unique purpose, goals, values, attitudes, beliefs, identity, and focus).

• Kundalini awakening: according to Tantra traditions, kundalini energy rests like a coiled serpent at the base of the spine. When this dormant energy flows freely upwards through the seven chakras (energy centers) it leads to an expanded state of consciousness. Such acvtivationscan be latent and slow, or sudden and acute, often leading to crisis states.

• Past-life experiences: in past life regression, people experience detailed memories of other lives, often taking place in historic or indeterminate points in time.

• Near-death experience: an unusual experience taking place on the brink of death, and recounted by a person on recovery. Typically an out-of-body experience or a vision of a tunnel of light.

• Episodes of unitive consciousness: a unitive, mystical experience is usually characterized by a state of ‘oneness’ that transcends sensory or cognitive apprehension. There is often an ineffable certainty that ultimate truth has been perceived and can be applied to one’s life.

• Psychic opening: the experience of having extrasensory perception (ESP) to identify information hidden from the normal senses (clairvoyance, claricognizance, clairaudience, or even telepathy for example).

• Possession states and experiences with the paranormal: the experience of being controlled or dominated by perceived malevolent spirits or encounters with energies or entities existing “beyond the veil.”

• Psychological renewal through return to center: the experience of dramatic, synchronistic sequences that involve enormous energies and occur on a scale that makes one feel as they are at the center of events that have global or cosmic relevance.

• UFO encounters and abductions: subjectively real experiences of being kidnapped by non-human entities.

• Channeling or communication with spirit guides, Angels, Ascended Masters etc: the experience of serving as a medium between perceived spirit and material worlds.

• Drug addiction and alcoholism: both considered complex biopsychosocial diseases affecting the mind, body and soul/spirit.

These and other similar experiences can upend ones life and relationships is dramatic and permanent ways. Proper evaluation, exploration, and integration work is key in understanding and making meaning of these types of events and experiences for which our “consensus reality” does not provide a framework. But just as often, spiritual crisis are less dramatic. Quieter, More insidious, and ever prone to being misunderstood, mislabeled, misdiagnosed, judged, and medicalized, even by well-meaning mental health and psychiatric professionals who lack the worldview, interest, sensitivity, and/or experience to know what to look for and how to discern and differentiate mental health conditions from genuine spiritual crisis. And so often, there’s overlap. These are not often distinct, disparate experiences.

I for one, am hopeful for us all and for what’s going on in the world. If we are truly in the classic destruction stage as a species, then rebirth is on its way, and the preponderance of spirituals crisis, both within and without, is an indicator if this.

We are, on the whole I believe, awakening.

Perhaps, as a result, we will move into more communitarian, simplified, spiritual and soul-based living practices—ways of being and interacting with one another that foster greater mind-body-spiritual health, personal and cultural integration.

As a psychospiritually-inclined therapist and emerging multidimensional channel, I am prepared as I know how to be on the front lines of the New Earth!

If you suspect you might be experiencing a spiritual crisis, or aren’t sure and could use a compassionate forum in which to take a good look, my Spiritual Healing specialty might be helpful. And if you think you have had or are currently going through any type of potentially Spiritually Transformative Experience (STE) such as described above, my Support for Extraordinary Experience (SEE) sub-specialty might be just what you need.

All services are available at my home office in Franklin, TN (case by case in the midst of COVID-19) or via Secure Video/Telehealth practically the world over.

Please visit my at Therapy Outside the Box or call me directly to set up a FREE 20 Minute Consult: 615.430.2778. Or, email me at chris@therapyoutsidehtebox.com

Remember, “There’s an Outside the Box Solution to Every Problem.”

Godspeed.

Peace to you and yours,

Chris Hancock, LCSW, ACMHP

Nashville, TN