The following is a piece of writing from a client of mine. I’ve posted it here anonymously, with permission, love, and a fervent hope on both our parts that it inspires others to dig deep and access the core— the energy, compassion and limitless capacity for love and forgiveness (for self and others) that exists untouched and undamaged within each soul, regardless of what slings and arrows one has experienced. The author has been in weekly Integrative Counseling with me for almost a year, and supplemented her healing with a ketamine infusion course targeting mindbody pain and other debilitating symptoms of complex trauma, depression and anxiety. According to the client, the idea of writing a love (amends) letter to herself, or what she initially titled “My Remission and Love Letter to Myself,” came about spontaneously, inspired by her meditation efforts, meeting her Larger/True Self and many neglected ‘parts’ through intuitively-guided Internal Family Systems (IFS) work, as well as her awakening connection to The Divine, including her own divinity.
“I’m sorry that I’ve compromised my expression and bearing what I denied as a contentious weight and worth of myself in the thoughts and actions of what I had only seen in another, instead of recognizing it, was the I that I had made up.
I’m sorry that I’ve neglected my expression by not responding instantly to it, but instead reacting unconscious in it suppressed, while sitting in the septic of its disregard because of my own misunderstanding; the I that I had made up.
I’m sorry that I have avoided feelings. I’m sorry for not knowing the feeling and therefore was unable to acknowledge myself, left unseen. I’m sorry that I haven’t honored my ‘no,’ because I answered under a convoluted abstract, instead of giving purpose to its expression.
I continued to say yes when I meant no, mislead in fear I wouldn’t get the love from another when I AM the love— the yes and the no I need and that guides me all along my path.
I’m sorry for denying the lead, for dismissing the guide, for becoming angry before I spoke on behalf of its truth, for gaslighting its intention, for judging harshly its rightful anger, its rightful sadness, its rightful rage, and depriving it of the time it needed.
I’m sorry for micro managing my expression. I am sorry for becoming fixed on it and I viewed as wrong or as a problem to fix, compromising myself there. Swept up in it's anxiety.
I’m sorry for not following through, not being there when I needed myself too, and avoiding it by avoiding the parts of myself that I am.
I will hold the overwhelm now. I will see and comfort for the fist time, every time in the provisions consciousness holds in either work, whether in the light or the shadows, it is all good, it is all for me to see that I AM the space that surrounds me.
You are safe. You are seen. I love you. I am here. I am with you. I see you. I am the loving space that surrounds all parts. Whole self. Each part. I’m practicing. I’m seeing. Holding more while resisting less and it is all so beautiful.”
*If YOU are ready to begin YOUR healing journey and would benefit from an integrative / outside the box approach, visit me at Therapy Outside the Box or learn more about my services. Or email me at chris@therapyoutsidethebox.com, or call me directly at 615.430.2778.
*At the time of this posting I’m on a bit of a lengthy waitlist, but if we’re aligned to work together and you trust Divine timing, feel free to request to be added to the list!
PAX,
Chris Hancock, LCSW, ACMHP
Therapy Outside the Box
Franklin, TN