Joy and woe are woven fine,
A clothing for the soul divine,
Under every grief and pine,
Runs a joy with silken twine.
It is right it should be so,
We were made for joy and woe,
And when this we rightly know,
Through the world we safely go.
-William Blake
Alas, cannot life be all joy, no woe? All pleasure, no pain?
(Can anything be all this, no that?)
The traditional Buddhist would say no way, Jack, life = suffering. While die-hard Epicureans, Libertines, and Bon Vivants would say f&$#k yes it can!
God knows my youthful self valiantly attempted to disavow pain and maximize joy through various modes of sense pleasures. Only to arrive wiser with the experiential understanding that pure pleasure and true happiness are, cruelly, at stiff odds.
Entirely different, chemically and otherwise.
Deep down I always knew, as we all probably do, that the woven fine dialectic Blake so beautifully captures is part and parcel of the human experience. But it’s one that often must be- in our own time and ways- tested, reconciled, accepted, and consistently integrated (not bypassed) if we are to discover true joy and lasting fulfillment.
pain is aS pain does
“The cure for pain is in the pain” said Rumi.
Damn straight.
Yet as we all understand on some level, we’re literally wired to avoid pain.
Like it or not, we signed up for a lifelong challenge of working against our own ancestrally, culturally, psychologically and neurochemically supported baseline instinct to avoid the pain that’s the very key to our mind-body-spiritual evolution; the only thing which offers anything close to true liberation from suffering.
Speaking of Buddhism, the fundamental Buddhist tenant as I understand it is not that life is suffering, but rather that suffering, pain and misery exist. And that there is a pathway toward exit from suffering. Not a quick fix, or store bought one and done solution, but a pathway— a way of living and being— that offers the possibility of liberation from the suffering that simply exists. (See: 4 Noble Truths/8 Fold Path).
I love this about Buddhism.
And I suppose this is the reason for the omnipresence of the “Pain is unavoidable, suffering is optional” meme. Its glibness aside, it borrows from this ancient wisdom that suggests there are some aspects of the human experience that simply must be accepted.
It’s this fundamental rite-of passage acceptance that I’m most interested in as ground zero of our personal and collective liberation.
woe-tegration
As I’ve posted about elsewhere, there’s a reason why Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ classic stages of grief model ends/lands on acceptance. After shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression.
Acceptance is the beginning of integrating and transmuting our “woe.”
There are many other robust models of grief recovery and change processes out there, with various additions and subtractions. I’m personally fond of one that identifies the final stage as “finding meaning.”
It’s worth noting that no one goes through such stages neatly or sequentially. Like seriously nobody. Don’t even try. Because facing pain, like life itself, is messy, herky-jerky, full of pitfalls, illusions and delusions, and ultimately idiosyncratic to the person experiencing the pain.
In other words much more about how we do our pain—our relationship to and with it— than the pain itself.
Ideally, acceptance would be the first stop. But as Kubler-Ross and many other wisdom teachers/traditions rightly point out, in each their own ways, that’s simply not how we work. No doubt there are numerous reasons for this, many the product of our interpersonal neurology, cultural conditioning, and lack of emotional intelligence (eq) awareness at home, schools, and elsewhere.
But in short, again, being wired to avoid pain such as we are, we’re gonna fight it.
Much like codependency expert Melody Beattie said long ago about how “no one sets boundaries until they’re ready,” we have to be ready, and must work our way towards the true strength position of acceptance.
How short or long that road is person-dependent.
which part woes?
When you’re in pain— struggling, grieving, suffering, is it all of you that suffers, or just part of you?
Multiplicity of Mind theory, and the therapy models that spring from it— Internal Family Systems (IFS) in particular, including my own energetically, somatically and intuitively-guided Subconscious Heal and Release® approach, operate from the premise that we’re all essentially multiple.
Meaning, we are, paradoxically, both one and many.
Internally, we all have a Larger Self—akin to our soul, or essence—that’s inherently whole, in-tact, untouched by experience (no matter how traumatic) and we have fragmented parts of ourselves that either carry our pain (exiles), help manage or protect those parts carrying the pain (managers) or that spring into fight, flight or freeze when the manager/protector parts are struggling (firefighters). (See: Internal Family Systems).
Parts are otherwise known as “subpersonalities.”
Want to get a sense of your multiplicity?
Take a moment, get comfortable, take minimum five deep, long slow belly-aware breaths.
Check in with your mindbody, bring you focus to below your neck, and literally ask “which part of me is carrying pain?”
Notice where in your mindbody you might have a sense of that. Where is that part housed? What do you notice? Any sensations, physical twitches, a tightness, temperature change, perhaps a lightheadedness, anything like that?
Stay with it.
What else do you notice?
Now, can you sense of precisely what quality of pain or discomfort that part is carrying or managing? Sadness, fear, anger, etc?
(Thank it, literally, for giving you that information). Stay with it…
Can you simultaneously be aware of any other part or parts of you not carrying this pain? Maybe another part that feels concerned about it being recognized? Or that wants to rationalize it, or judge it? Or tuck it back away somewhere?
And how about, any sense of a larger part of you that feels none of that pain whatsoever, that’s totally separate from any of the above? A part of you that feels anything like calm, clarity, compassion.
Great job. That’s your SELF.
And welcome to (perhaps) your first sense of your very own multiplicity!
all parts welcome
Multiplicity of mind-based methods have shown me that profound change is not only possible on the internal level more quickly than I was originally trained to believe, but that the achievement of that harmony and cooperation amongst our various parts means we needn’t deny our pain, or attempt so stringently to avoid it, as both our wiring and conditioning would have us believe is necessary for our survival.
We can exchange this for greater awareness of and appreciation for our inner constellation of parts, and the promise that the more Self-Led (Led by our Larger Self) we become, the more our parts trust us, give up their burdens, and the less they need to play such extreme and polarizing roles/functions to help us stay safe.
That way joy, happiness, fulfillment and pleasure can co-exist alongside the parts of us that carry, manage and guard against the uprisings of sadness, fear, disgust, anger, and other emotions and reactions born of difficult experiences.
Joy and Woe, let it flow!
If YOU have been seeking a Nashville Therapist or a Therapist in Franklin whose a little different, who uses an integrated blend of inside the box (traditional) and outside the box (decidedly unconventional) methods to help you identify, befriend, and integrate the disparate parts of you, so you can create a healthier, more fulfilling and sustainably joyful life, then you might be interested in my Integrative Counseling service.
Visit me at: Therapy Outside the Box for more information about my services and working with me. Or feel free to email me at chris@therapyoutsidethebox.com or call me directly at 615.430.2778.
Some of my services are available virtually via Telehealth/Video on a consultation/coaching basis the world over depending on time zone reconciliation.
Peace, Joy & Woe,
Chris Hancock, LCSW, ACMHP
Nashville, TN