Turning Pain Into Purpose

My growing interest in the human trafficking epidemic, in conjunction with my awareness of two local organizations on the front line of this issue (www.freeforlifeintnl.org and www.endslaverytn.org) recently led me to a webinar on the intersection of human trafficking and addiction—co-hosted by the director of FFLI and representatives of a local sober living transitional housing non-profit called Healing Housing (www.healing housing.org).

Toward the end of the webinar, one of the reps of Healing Housing described as their mission statement helping women “Turn Pain Into Purpose.”

Sounds like practical alchemy to me, so it got my attention!

Thus is the inspiration for this post.

divine vetting?

By the time I heard this, I had already contacted Healing Housing about potentially offering a pro bono slot to one of their residents. (We have a Zoom call on the calendar!). So by the time I went back to the webinar recording and heard them describe their mission this way, it only made it feel more aligned and glad I followed the impulse.

Yet it’s not the first time I followed intuition in this area.

Years back, attending a local TEDX event, I heard the director of End Slavery TN deliver a powerful talk on human trafficking. I was stunned to realize how prevalent it is right here in Middle Tennessee. Feeling called, I contacted them soon after, but at that time their training and minimum requirement of time for volunteering in any capacity far exceeded what I had available with a busy full time therapy practice. Just wasn’t meant to be.

Having become aware of FFLI this past year, I’ve been reaching out to them, but for whatever reasons we’ve not connected.

After two failed starts, so to speak, might have been easy to conclude it’s not in the cards for me to get involved with this issue. That certainly crossed my mind. But I know better. Or, I believe differently. And the law of life is the law of belief, taught Dr. Joseph Murphy.

How I look at it is that when you get a true intuition— a body-based spark of highest excitement, of being called to take action on something, no matter how small or large, it cannot be by mistake. It’s no accident.

But…perhaps there’s a vetting process, courtesy of the Universe, to test your commitment, your mettle, or both. Or perhaps, it’s the Goldilocks rule in action. Too hot. Too cold. Just right. Or, it’s just timing. Divine timing.

Either way, I’ve learned to implicitly trust that when we recognize and choose to answer the call of something that truly feels right, that comes from the soul level, The Divine will do the rest. It knows exactly where it wants us; when it wants us there, what part we’re meant to play, and why. I mean, my whole life and everything of value in it seems to be a living testament to this. So how could I see it otherwise? Ans for that, as they say down here in the South, I am blessed.

So I’m looking forward to seeing what I may get to do with this organization that works in conjunction with those on the front lines of human trafficking.

Okay, on to:

Pain Into Purpose

As I make clear elsewhere on this site, I’m quite fond of the old Rumi saying:

“The cure for pain is in the pain.”

I find deep wisdom in this on every level- literal/physical, psychological/emotional, relational, metaphorical, spiritual/metaphysical.

Again using my own life as example, it was my deep emotional and psychological pain that led me to therapy first, in my mid twenties. Pursuing music professionally at the time, and struggling with it on just about every front, suffice to say that at the first glimpse of therapeutically-assisted relief from the depths of my then broken heart and deep insecurity-based depression, I was struck with an unmistakable awareness that healing work, in some capacity, was (in) my future. Right there, in a flash, I was on my way toward sublimating, or alchemizing my anguish into purpose in my mind and heart. Although (the) music (industry) was not quite done with teaching me what it had to teach, for better or worse. So it would be a few years more in germination.

No accident there either.

While such inspirations don’t always come about so instantaneously, or clearly, provided we are inclined and open to the wisdom that the cure is indeed to be found within the problem/pain, and insofar as we are in search of true purpose, we will find it.

Or it will find us.

miracle question

I’m well aware that in this current global climate—pandemic, social and political tension, and all the uncertainly as to where we are headed economically, societally, culturally, spiritually, and otherwise, turning pain into purpose for many would appear to be a luxury.

For sure, it is a higher stage pursuit in the Hierarchy of Needs (Maslow)—up above essential basic needs for food, clothing and shelter, safety and security, love and belonging, and genuine self-esteem.

Yet thinking back over my 20+ years as a therapist, it’s fascinating to remember how often I’ve seen others (more frequently back when I worked in the community-based sector) spontaneously discover the seeds of their potential/larger purpose while deep in the throes of tackling the bare bones practical pitfalls and challenges of life in the foundational stages.

Although we may turn away from them temporarily, whether out of necessity, fear, or disbelief, in my experience such seeds tend not to be forgotten.

This is one reason I’m fond of asking new clients, sooner rather than later, the old Siddha Veda question:

“What would you be or do if you had 100 million in the bank, 6 months to live, and you knew you couldn’t fail?”

This is my favorite version of a miracle question.

I always write down the response. And it’s astonishing how often I might even consciously forget about it until sometime later during the therapy the person will touch on something that reminds me of their answer (that they’ve sometimes completely ‘forgotten’).

The synchronicity of timing will often strike us both. Meaning, how the sparking of the memory of the then-given answer lines up perfectly with the person’s life having just recently arrived at a point where such considerations are ripe for exploration, if not full-on action planning.

Darkness my old friend

After 51 years of life on earth and 20 + years of therapy (both personally and professionally), I’ve come to view painful dark periods— whether they be days, weeks, months or full on seasons, as necessary recharges. Macro-level inspirational and imaginal reboots equivalent to turning off the lights to go to sleep each night. Even clinical depression, like the major episode in my twenties that led me to start therapy and is no doubt the seed that sprouted into how and why you’re reading this now. While often necessitating more serious attention and treatment, even the darkest clinical episodes can be viewed accordingly. (I’m far from the first to espouse this).

My own life altering Dark Night of the Soul experience a few years back, one many years in the making, is another example. It touched down exactly right on time as knee-bending shut down/reboot experience I so desperately needed to turn further toward my mounting internal unrest. It was a call to both compassionately and critically examine all that was no longer serving and working and awaken further to my next life-stage related life purpose-path. And no coincidence that it arrived right at the mid-life mark!

While I arguably lost my mind temporarily, and could have lost much else that I love and value so greatly had I mishandled it (any more than I did), what I gained was invaluable. A Divinely-granted dose of madness that led to a total life re-evaluation and eventual “rebranding” of Chris Hancock, LCSW to Therapy Outside the Box, among other things.

I’m still Chris Hancock. Still an LCSW. And proud of all that’s was attempted and accomplished under that mostly “inside the box” moniker.

But now all the rest of who I am (woo woo and “out there” elements, including the emergence of a heightened intuitive/claircognizant/clairsentient ability and becoming a channel included) has been embraced, owned, and more or less put out there. To honor this, I now work in the spirit(ually)-guided way I was always destined for— right down to turning to higher guidance to tell me at the outset whether it is in the highest and best good of all for me to take on as a client anyone who contacts me. It’s difficult when it’s a “no.” But I trust it. No question.

And there was no mistake here in either timing, function, method or purpose of my “breakdown/through.”

How do I know?

In short, because I’m at peace. I feel truly whole. Because the unparalleled joy, excitement and fulfillment I now experience in each important area of my life is unprecedented in my lifetime. And the spare energy I now have to look ahead and into news way of getting involved and potentially helping many more Turn Pain Into Purpose is more than one man can ask.

That’s also why, in my view, the interest described above that inspired this post, one many years in the making, finally seems to be manifesting.

reach out

If YOU are seeking a Nashville Therapist or a Therapist in Franklin, and would benefit from a different kind of approach to life’s challenges and alchemizing YOUR pain into purpose, you might be a good fit for my Integrative Counseling approach.

Visit me at Therapy Outside the Box from more info about my services, or feel free to email me at chris@therapyoutsidethebox or call me at 615.430.2778.

Some of my services are available on a consultation/coaching basis via Telehealth/Video virtually the world over.

Happy Valentines Day.

Peace, love, and Transmutation of Pain Into Purpose,

Chris Hancock, LCSW, ACMHP

Franklin, TN

Joy & Woe, Let it Flow!

Joy and woe are woven fine,
A clothing for the soul divine,
Under every grief and pine,
Runs a joy with silken twine.
It is right it should be so,
We were made for joy and woe,
And when this we rightly know,
Through the world we safely go.

-William Blake

Alas, cannot life be all joy, no woe? All pleasure, no pain?

(Can anything be all this, no that?)

The traditional Buddhist would say no way, Jack, life = suffering. While die-hard Epicureans, Libertines, and Bon Vivants would say f&$#k yes it can!

God knows my youthful self valiantly attempted to disavow pain and maximize joy through various modes of sense pleasures. Only to arrive wiser with the experiential understanding that pure pleasure and true happiness are, cruelly, at stiff odds.

Entirely different, chemically and otherwise.

Deep down I always knew, as we all probably do, that the woven fine dialectic Blake so beautifully captures is part and parcel of the human experience. But it’s one that often must be- in our own time and ways- tested, reconciled, accepted, and consistently integrated (not bypassed) if we are to discover true joy and lasting fulfillment.

pain is aS pain does

“The cure for pain is in the pain” said Rumi.

Damn straight.

Yet as we all understand on some level, we’re literally wired to avoid pain.

Like it or not, we signed up for a lifelong challenge of working against our own ancestrally, culturally, psychologically and neurochemically supported baseline instinct to avoid the pain that’s the very key to our mind-body-spiritual evolution; the only thing which offers anything close to true liberation from suffering.

Speaking of Buddhism, the fundamental Buddhist tenant as I understand it is not that life is suffering, but rather that suffering, pain and misery exist. And that there is a pathway toward exit from suffering. Not a quick fix, or store bought one and done solution, but a pathway— a way of living and being— that offers the possibility of liberation from the suffering that simply exists. (See: 4 Noble Truths/8 Fold Path).

I love this about Buddhism.

And I suppose this is the reason for the omnipresence of the “Pain is unavoidable, suffering is optional” meme. Its glibness aside, it borrows from this ancient wisdom that suggests there are some aspects of the human experience that simply must be accepted.

It’s this fundamental rite-of passage acceptance that I’m most interested in as ground zero of our personal and collective liberation.

woe-tegration

As I’ve posted about elsewhere, there’s a reason why Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ classic stages of grief model ends/lands on acceptance. After shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression.

Acceptance is the beginning of integrating and transmuting our “woe.”

There are many other robust models of grief recovery and change processes out there, with various additions and subtractions. I’m personally fond of one that identifies the final stage as “finding meaning.”

It’s worth noting that no one goes through such stages neatly or sequentially. Like seriously nobody. Don’t even try. Because facing pain, like life itself, is messy, herky-jerky, full of pitfalls, illusions and delusions, and ultimately idiosyncratic to the person experiencing the pain.

In other words much more about how we do our pain—our relationship to and with it— than the pain itself.

Ideally, acceptance would be the first stop. But as Kubler-Ross and many other wisdom teachers/traditions rightly point out, in each their own ways, that’s simply not how we work. No doubt there are numerous reasons for this, many the product of our interpersonal neurology, cultural conditioning, and lack of emotional intelligence (eq) awareness at home, schools, and elsewhere.

But in short, again, being wired to avoid pain such as we are, we’re gonna fight it.

Much like codependency expert Melody Beattie said long ago about how “no one sets boundaries until they’re ready,” we have to be ready, and must work our way towards the true strength position of acceptance.

How short or long that road is person-dependent.

which part woes?

When you’re in pain— struggling, grieving, suffering, is it all of you that suffers, or just part of you?

Multiplicity of Mind theory, and the therapy models that spring from it— Internal Family Systems (IFS) in particular, including my own energetically, somatically and intuitively-guided Subconscious Heal and Release® approach, operate from the premise that we’re all essentially multiple.

Meaning, we are, paradoxically, both one and many.

Internally, we all have a Larger Self—akin to our soul, or essence—that’s inherently whole, in-tact, untouched by experience (no matter how traumatic) and we have fragmented parts of ourselves that either carry our pain (exiles), help manage or protect those parts carrying the pain (managers) or that spring into fight, flight or freeze when the manager/protector parts are struggling (firefighters). (See: Internal Family Systems).

Parts are otherwise known as “subpersonalities.”

Want to get a sense of your multiplicity?

Take a moment, get comfortable, take minimum five deep, long slow belly-aware breaths.

Check in with your mindbody, bring you focus to below your neck, and literally ask “which part of me is carrying pain?”

Notice where in your mindbody you might have a sense of that. Where is that part housed? What do you notice? Any sensations, physical twitches, a tightness, temperature change, perhaps a lightheadedness, anything like that?

Stay with it.

What else do you notice?

Now, can you sense of precisely what quality of pain or discomfort that part is carrying or managing? Sadness, fear, anger, etc?

(Thank it, literally, for giving you that information). Stay with it…

Can you simultaneously be aware of any other part or parts of you not carrying this pain? Maybe another part that feels concerned about it being recognized? Or that wants to rationalize it, or judge it? Or tuck it back away somewhere?

And how about, any sense of a larger part of you that feels none of that pain whatsoever, that’s totally separate from any of the above? A part of you that feels anything like calm, clarity, compassion.

Great job. That’s your SELF.

And welcome to (perhaps) your first sense of your very own multiplicity!

all parts welcome

Multiplicity of mind-based methods have shown me that profound change is not only possible on the internal level more quickly than I was originally trained to believe, but that the achievement of that harmony and cooperation amongst our various parts means we needn’t deny our pain, or attempt so stringently to avoid it, as both our wiring and conditioning would have us believe is necessary for our survival.

We can exchange this for greater awareness of and appreciation for our inner constellation of parts, and the promise that the more Self-Led (Led by our Larger Self) we become, the more our parts trust us, give up their burdens, and the less they need to play such extreme and polarizing roles/functions to help us stay safe.

That way joy, happiness, fulfillment and pleasure can co-exist alongside the parts of us that carry, manage and guard against the uprisings of sadness, fear, disgust, anger, and other emotions and reactions born of difficult experiences.

Joy and Woe, let it flow!

If YOU have been seeking a Nashville Therapist or a Therapist in Franklin whose a little different, who uses an integrated blend of inside the box (traditional) and outside the box (decidedly unconventional) methods to help you identify, befriend, and integrate the disparate parts of you, so you can create a healthier, more fulfilling and sustainably joyful life, then you might be interested in my Integrative Counseling service.

Visit me at: Therapy Outside the Box for more information about my services and working with me. Or feel free to email me at chris@therapyoutsidethebox.com or call me directly at 615.430.2778.

Some of my services are available virtually via Telehealth/Video on a consultation/coaching basis the world over depending on time zone reconciliation.

Peace, Joy & Woe,

Chris Hancock, LCSW, ACMHP

Nashville, TN

The Zen of Vacuuming

Vacuuming as Spiritual Practice?

Yes. Hear me out.

I mean, you probably already know that daily manual labor duties are part and parcel of living in monasteries, sabbaticals in spiritual retreat centers, and the like.

And I’m sure you’ve heard the saying: “Before enlightenment, the laundry. After enlightenment, the laundry.” And the Zen saying: “While doing the dishes, do the dishes.”

So yes, I’ve made vacuuming something of a spiritual practice.

And I don’t know about you, but I’m still working on full Zen-presence when doing the dishes. Not there yet. I daydream, mind wander, sometimes even huff and puff a little. But hey, it gets done. Sometimes, that’s enough.

But I have noticed something about my vacuuming responsibility that’s pretty interesting though. Something that, in the age of all things mindfulness, I felt worth sharing.

dog hairs in my craw

Since closing my office and moving my practice my home (something I never thought would happen) mid way through the pandemic (yet another thing I never thought would happen in my lifetime) my home-based duties have increased. I mean, I’m the one there most out of all of us now, so, only fair.

Here’s the thing. We have two mid-size dogs that shed like M*&%$#ers. And one, shall we say, overstuffed orange tabby cat. And a house full of women (minus yours truly), two out of three with long hair.

Needless to say, it gets hairy (in more ways than one :) fast. Like, almost immediately after vacuuming.

We all kind of all silently conspired to let the vacuuming go in our last house. It would happen maybe once a week. Upon moving 2 yrs ago, we committed to doing better. Enter my working from home, in an abode I love as much as one can love any inanimate structure.

Seeing how bad the hair situation gets on dark floors that never let you ignore it, and seeing how quickly it turns into literal tumbleweeds, I committed to vacuuming every day. The main living level at least, every day.

LA Resistance

Being out of the habit, vacuuming predictably started off feeling like a chore. And a bore at that.

I would want to avoid it, sometimes kind of rush it, *space out, and occasionally allow myself to become sidetracked, unnecessarily extending the responsibility. Once or twice I even completely “forgot” to finish it.

What I’m describing here is classic resistance. Something I talk a lot about, and work with daily in helping people to begin to see, accept, understand (contextualize), commit to noticing it in action (non-judgmentally learning and anticipating the signs), and ultimately, figure out how to outsmart, transmute and integrate their resistance.

Or rather, the part of them doing the resistance.

Regardless of what strategy or work-around we find and apply to beating our particular resistance, or what Steven Pressfield calls ‘The War of Art” in regard to creative resistance (writes block, perfectionism, etc), what’s critical—once we’ve gotten past the total avoidance stage if that’s the initial problem— is the noticing; the learning resistance’s game so well that we can’t not spot it’s warning signs, and signals of a shift.

spring in the step

Lately, a shift has taken place in my spiritual…I mean vacuuming journey.

Here’s how I knew…

First, a minor poke of actual anticipation (around the time to begin the task). Followed by the beginning of a feeling of dare I say accomplishment. Internal, apart from any “Hey, thanks for keeping up the vacuuming” reinforcement that would come over me subtly while mid-task.

That feeling was a direct result, I believe, of keeping the commitment, pushing through my resistance, starting to actually “show up” more for it, and noticing the benefit—followed by noticing a palpable reduction of resistance in exchange for actual enjoyment.

I wouldn’t say I started to love it or anything, but, as resistance lessened, as the part of me wanting to resist could see it was losing control, I noticed something else.

good *trance or bad?

In hypnotherapy circles, *dissociation (an innate, protective mental detaching capacity, or ‘spacing out’ ability, and often a trauma response) is essentially considered bad trance. Likewise, a condition like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) whereby one compulsively ruminates on a certain thought forms, and/or feels driven to perform specific acts in an automatic, trance-like state, would be a concrete example of bad trance.

Good trance being the ability to decidedly enter into or be guided into a trance state where the purpose is therapeutic— to adaptively reframe, identify and ratify our inner resources, and overcome said problems.

With my vacuuming, this is essentially what’s happened. Only without hypnotherapeutic intervention. With steady commitment and increased mindfulness (showing up + increased attention) I’ve slowly turned the bad trance (avoiding, resisting, rushing, “forgetting,”) into good trance.

Now, once I get started, I’m pretty quickly there. I’m in it. I’m with it. It’s working. Before I know it, it’s done. I sometimes even grieve how fast it went, and start looking forward to hitting it again the next day.

What’s that about!?

the “zone”

You’ve heard of getting in “the zone. The “peak performance” state we’ve hopefully all experienced at least once. Where we’ve pushed through the pain (resistance in psychological form, physical form, or both) to reach a state of action that flows (why they also call it flow state). That’s where an endeavor feels effortless, guided by something “other” than our conscious attention, and where we tend to loose a sense of linear time and feel like we’re operating outside of the trance of spacetime we’re accustomed to.

So with each passing day, with less resistance, increased ownership and pride in my vacuuming, I noticed something else resulting from reaching this flow state.

I’ve starting involuntarily making a game of it. Creating rituals and patterns of vacuum movements, which not only make the job more efficient, but more interesting.

And no doubt I’m creating new neural pathways with this shift and the daily reinforcement, which due to advances in neuroscience (neuroplasticity, neurogenesis), we now know is entirely possible. More than we ever knew when we thought the brain fully formed by 25 or whatever, and done full stop.

It’s largely about having learned more specifically about how we learn, how we absorb and retain new information, and change habits (behavior) in ways that stick. And it’s so much about non-conscious mindbody processes, which I find endlessly fascinating.

do you have to “want to?”

The old “but don’t want to do it” is the most classic, age old “out.” Everyone’s favorite procrastination trip, and the arch enemy of self-discipline for children, teens, and adults alike. If we don’t figure out a work around for the not wanting to as a child or adolescent (I was masterful at this, myself), unless we’re naturally wired for action, and blessed with low internal resistance, we’ll undoubtedly have to learn it the hard way as an adult. Where the consequences of avoidance and resistance only increase.

“Forgetting” to pay a bill is a classic adult foil.

The truth, and we all know this, is that the decision to simply begin a task has nothing to do with wanting to begin it. Nothing. Rather, it has everything to do with how much value we place on making a commitment, on strengthening our self-discipline muscle, and achieving the outcome we desire as correctly, efficiently, and painlessly as possible.

The straight line shortest route between two points.

It’s also about understanding the value of exchanging feel bad chemicals of shame and guilt that follow the immediate short term pleasure of avoiding a task with the truly feel good chemicals that come from making and keeping our commitment, demonstrating courage (in the face of resistance), proving our capability (to ourselves mainly) and arriving at true, earned confidence via consistent accomplishment (i.e. The Dan Sullivan 4Cs).

Since I mostly found my way around my own avoidance patterns and learned to get out of my way (one of my earliest Heroes Journey rites of passage) by my late 20s, refining it ever since, with most things I can turn my ship around pretty fast once I notice sneaky old resistance patterns trying to creep in.

And it really is in the noticing. The mindfulness.

I’ll be honest though. The fucking dishes might always get the best of me. I have yet to find my Zen at the sink. But, they get done. Again, sometimes that’s all we can ask.

Not everything, I contend, must be embarked on with love, or perfectionism. Sometimes, just getting something out of the way, in ‘good enough’ fashion is enough.

“Be the ball”

If YOU could use a jump start overriding old neural pathways of avoidance, resistance, rationalizing, and/or you’re someone with a stubborn “but I don’t want to” complex, I can help you identify, declare, and get fully aligned with who you really want to be in relationship with the things that must get done.

Yes, with who you want to be. Because making changes that last is ultimately about identity.

As Jim Fortin says, “You cannot do what you are not.”

Or in the immortal words of Chevy Chase’s character in Caddy Shack: “Be the ball, Danny.”

And so the operating question becomes “What would be the identity of someone who clearly has/does what I want (to have or do)?

Using the Somatic and Energy Healing approach I call Subconscious Heal and Release, we would help you answer this question, turn it into a positive, future-present identity based statement (i.e. “I am someone who…”) and use the kinesiological/Higher Self-guided process to show us exactly what’s subconsciously blocking you from being in full mind body spirit alignment with your goal, gently dissolve those blocks (i.e. traumas, limiting beliefs, stuck emotional energies) until you’re fully, measurably aligned with who you want to be.

If you’ve been looking for a Nashville Therapist or a Therapist in Franklin, visit me at: Therapy Outside the Box for more information about this and my other specialties, and about how you can consult with me from virtually anywhere in the world via Telehealth/Video.

Or call me directly at 615.430.2778, or email me at chris@therapyoutsidethebox.com

Peace, Love, and Zen Vacuuming,

Chris Hancock, LCSW, ACMHP

Nashville, TN

The Hidden Factor Fueling Chronic Guilt

Long ago I heard the emotion of guilt described by a name person in the psychology field as an “entirely useless emotion.” That really stuck with me.

Besides the general throwing the baby out issue, I have a couple of other problems with that.

First, it presupposes that we understand that this is speaking to so-called irrational, or unreasonable guilt. In other words, guilt we feel even when we’ve “done nothing wrong.” The implication being, because there’s no rational/logical basis for it, this alone should somehow magically allows us to just “let it go,” if not ever feel it again.

Some in the progressive spiritual community and even some psychotherapy methods are guilty (no pun intended) of this implication, as well. Dare I say there’s a potential bypassing at work there.

Ask anyone whose been struggling especially with chronic feelings of guilt, or as it used to be called, a “guilt complex,” how much this view helps. As they say up north, “fhuggettabaatit!”

Rational or irrational, our emotions, or the parts of us carrying them, don’t make such distinctions. Experience-born emotions themselves don’t discern whether we or anyone believes they’re warranted. They just are.

This reductive, rather judgmental stance on guilt is all head, no body/heart. It invalidates all underlying energetic, emotional, somatic/subconscious factors that serve as the scaffolding of chronic guilt.

It also leaves out that the emotion and the experience of chronic guilt is the mere tip of the iceberg poking out of the water.

what is guilt?

I think we all intuitively know what guilt feels like. But to me what’s really important about guilt— generally defined as a body-based feeling/knowing that we’ve done something wrong/bad/out of integrity or against our our own or the generally accepted moral code, is what separates it from it’s close cousin: Shame.

Shame is generally defined as the feeling that we are something bad, and/or simply not enough as we are. So powerful and universal is shame (Thanks Brenee’ Brown) that it’s often referred to as “The Master Emotion.”

So while pure guilt is an emotional response to an action, core shame is about our being; about how fundamentally flawed and unacceptable we may think/believe/feel we are.

One problem is, since most of us are so heavily culturally conditioned to equate who we are with what we do, guilt and shame become easily fused. And the earlier we experience events that produce too much of either is the degree to which our core identity becomes fused with underlying guilt and shame.

There are, I’ve learned, generational and ancestral components (i.e. “epigenetic triggers”) that can saddle us with inherited guilt or shame that never belonged to us to begin with. But working with people therapeutically for 20 plus years, and for the last several developing and utilizing my Subconscious Heal and Release energetic and somatic, kinesiologically-guided approach, I conclude we can largely thank environment for this identity fusion.

Cause here’s the thing. No one comes out of the womb drowning in either guilt or shame, or with a all-formed belief about our fundamental worthlessness. Cultural, societal and familial conditioning, in all its insidious and myriad forms, feeds us this shit cake!

the utility (not futility) of guilt

To experience guilt about an action we’ve taken that was intentionally harmful to self or other, or otherwise thoughtless to a point that it inadvertently produced harm is, of course, appropriate. Guilt in this case is utilitarian, functional, purposeful. We all have our defenses and rationalizations for the shit we say and do, but in any reasonably emotionally healthy and mindful person, it will (eventually) signal a healthy response—to take responsibility, make an amends, or whatever’s required for the situation.

Ideally, having done so poises us to forgive ourselves, learn from it, and put it to bed. It’s also a good sign that we have a functioning conscience, that we’re not a sociopath or psychopath. That’s always good :>

But with the experiencing of chronic, pervasive guilt, we’re really talking about a shame-infused, identity-based guilt. In fact, as I see it, with chronic guilt it’s really more about the shame, and the *hidden* factor which I’ll get to below. For without heavy doses of shame, and a shame-based identity, chronic guilt would not possess the hang-around power that it does.

codependency/interdependency

Chronic guilt is most often correlated with people-pleasing and especially, codependency, also a universal. Again, sociopaths, psychopaths and committed antisocial isolationists aside, as for the rest of us social beings appropriately wired to connect, let’s face it, we’re all codependent. Just a matter of how much.

I find that liberating. Acceptance is the beginning of all real change and growth.

On the unhealthy, problematic end is more extreme codependency, marked by a visceral emptiness and lack of real sense of self. Here self-worth is almost entirely dictated by approval and ability to please other, driven by the avoidance of disapproval/displeasing of other, often at the expense of self and ones own best interests and true needs. (“Needs, what needs?“).

On the healthier end of the spectrum we lean more interdependent, which honors that liminal space between interpersonal drives for social connection/secure attachment, and the capacity for solitude, individuality, unique expression, a clear sense of self marked by clear boundaries as to where we begin/others end, and most notably, the ability to say “no” when necessary without feeling…you guessed it, guilty.

There’s the most obvious and common complaint of someone struggling with chronic guilt: ‘I just can’t say no!”

(It’s actually the very first thing, after hello, that my first adult client ever said to me).

The hidden factor

There is, or so I see time and again in folks bearing the albatross of chronic guilt, an interrelationship (inverse?) between chronic guilt and deep, often unacknowledged (disowned) resentment.

Yes, guilt and resentment. Two sides, same coin.

Strange bedfellows, you might think.

But not so much.

Chronic guilt is essentially shame and unworthiness-based self-blame. (Masochistic self-flagellation at it worst). Resentment is essentially deep, crusted over, usually unacknowledged and/or unexpressed hurt, grief & sadness-based anger. A constellation of suppressed emotional energetic pain signatures that, if and when accessed, owned and expressed, would (must) include the recognition of appropriate accountability and responsibility to those (and/or to circumstances) other than oneself.

It’s often said that the shadow of the people-pleaser (one common interpersonal expression of codependency, rooted in fear of abandonment) is ultimately, resentment. The shadow being a Jungian idea signifying all the disowned parts or aspects of ourselves. Those things we’re loathe to recognize are in us, or that we’re even capable of.

With this I agree. I see it a lot. At this point, I feel like I can smell the buried resentment in the people-pleaser presentation.

For reasons I’ll get more into below, resentment serves as the undergirding, or hidden factor, of many a struggle with chronic guilt, within or in absence of a codependency problem. And as the cure for pain is in the pain, understanding and contending with this is the key to transforming it, thereby freeing oneself from the spectre of chronic guilt.

A deeper dive

Children in any culture, psychologically and developmentally speaking, are hard wired to avoid pain to survive, either literally or emotionally/psychologically. Part of this pain is the pain of the inevitable failings of the environment. Especially when it comes to our caregivers, our instinctive set point is to maintain connection and felt sense of security at almost any cost. To avoid dreaded abandonment, ultimately.

When and where the environment fails, be it empathic/emotional failure—i.e. to respond consistently when we’re in distress, mirror us and meet our basic needs for self esteem and identity), more concrete failures— i.e. food, shelter, resources, or the more gross failures of psychological safety and security— i.e. neglect, abuse, emotional or actual abandonment, our innate, survival-based need to keep caregivers good, “all good,” leaves us one choice only:

We must make ourselves the problem. We must be “bad.” We must be the trouble, the problem, the cause, and/or are just not enough as we are.

Enter worthlessness, shame, and the recipe for chronic guilt.

Typically, what is not recognized is how we really feel about the failings. Our true emotions. Be it “Little T” or “Big T” traumas we experience, or both, we are disappointed, hurt, confused, scared, and sad when caregivers or the environment fails us in significant ways.

When our true emotions get repressed, because they’re too psychologically threatening to acknowledge, or our environment won’t support or help us with them, and/or the larger culture disavows it via spoken or unspoken puritanical ethics, “boys don’t cry” or “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” cultural mandates, the result is often a mountain of unrecognized emotional pain and a growing, festering resentment. And when that resentment and all that supports it is understood to be unacceptable to feel and/or reveal, it converts to its opposite— the far more socially and culturally acceptable unworthiness/self-blame & shame-based guilt.

Enter, the False Self.

a kind of Addiction

There’s a reason why in the addiction treatment community, including the 12 Step world, there’s a major emphasis on unearthing, facing and working through resentments. In addition to genetic factors, the environmental trauma that produced it can easily set one up for escape through dependency.

Dependency through addiction itself symbolizes a wish to return to earlier developmental stages where we were dependent, and so badly needed our needs met in “good enough” fashion. The flight into addiction then be seen as a metaphor for the ultimate wish for a “do-over.” A return to the ever-longed for safety, security, and consistent demonstration of love and acceptance that were perhaps not there at all, or failed to meet the “good enough” litmus test.

Chronic guilt itself can become an addiction, for we can become dependent on anything. Anything can be used as a defense. Even, crazy as it may sound, our suffering.

To stay stuck in a cycle of feeling unworthy and unacceptable, believing that everything is our fault, stricken with the need to please, always craving the approval of others at all costs is not just a horrendous way to live, it’s completely inauthentic, self-invalidating, negatively self-fulfilling and engenders no real healthy, meaningful connection with ourselves others, and the world.

It’s one face of the Victim Archetype, with grave spiritual implications.

Genuine connection, and a fulfilling life in the social matrix of planet earth requires a reasonably healthy sense of self, the ability to tolerate and even enjoy solitude (as distinct from isolation), solid boundaries, the willingness to set and maintain them, as well as true reciprocity.

The person living in a state of chronic guilt, until they’re on the road to healing recovery, possesses little or none of this.

So the chronically guilty person has an out, if they feel they need it. Like the perfectionist whose perfectionism is socially rewarded, many of the behaviors (like people pleasing) that flow from chronic guilt are also rewarded. So they don’t have to take ownership or responsibility for their pain, or their healing. They can live out the Victim role to the end, if they choose. But this is just resistance, a defense against making contact with the underlying pain they know is there. Ans they know that to acknowledge and finally face the resentment born (usually) of pervasive childhood trauma means facing the unspoken psychological “loyalty bind” contract made with caregivers—i.e. I’m “all bad” so you remain “all good.”

Some version of this almost always comes up in the healing from chronic guilt process. It’s a rite of passage, and an important one.

Ultimately, it’s how we grow into a well-boundaried, individuated, sovereign Adult Self.

Messy, but doable. Totally doable.

healing is always possible

Everything we want to achieve, I’ve learned (sometimes the hard way) begins with true commitment, From there, we’ll be called to demonstrate courage, discover our capability, and thus arrive at true confidence.

This is the Heroes Journey.

Insofar as emotions are energy in motion, everything is energy, energy is either flowing or struck, and given that words have the power to heal, we can gain much traction on the road out of chronic guilt by addressing the hidden factor element and all related unacknowledged, often trapped emotions, traumas, and corresponding limiting beliefs on the somatic/subconscious level.

I can help you do this with my Energy Healing process, as a stand alone treatment, or in conjunction with my Integrative Counseling process. In that we work together to establish safety and security in an environment of hope and clear expectations, and begin constructing a healthy sense of self, good boundaries, discover your innate resources, heal, and begin working toward your preferred-future reality.

So, if you’ve been considering or looking for a Nashville Therapist, or a Therapist in Franklin, or for that matter, if you’re virtually anywhere else in the world and would like to do some work together via Telehealth/Video, visit me at: Therapy Outside the Box for more information about my other services, including those that are available on a “coaching” or consultation” basis worldwide. Or just call me at 615.430.2778 or email me at chris@therapyoutsidethebox.com to set up a FREE 20 MINUTE CLARITY CALL about how I can help you best.

Peace, love, and freedom from guilt!

Chris Hancock, LCSW, ACMHP

The Paradox of Change

We want change, and we don’t. We want to grow, and we don’t. We want to learn, and we don’t. We want to heal, and sometimes, we don’t.

We take two steps forward, one back. Sometimes one forward, two back.

Can you relate?

Such is what is means to be human. Or so I’ve begun to understand over 20 plus years of seeing what we call resistance, or, the counter life force, in action.

Resistance appears to be an omnipresent, universal aspect of the human condition. I see it in myself, and I don’t believe I’ve ever encountered a single person within the therapeutic frame that didn’t come up against this innate force, in ways small or large, at some point in their effort to resolve and grow through whatever ails.

Want a glaring example? Addiction. For addiction, we could argue, is the embodiment of the counter life force having taken complete hold and driving the bus to the darkest, most destructible end possible sans successful intervention.

The beauty here, should you accept this premise as I do, is that acceptance begets change.

As the great Carl Gustav Jung was known to have said, “anything we wish to change we must first accept.” I would suggest further that this truism is the basis of many ancient philosophies (Stoicism for sure), as well as modern and popular practices such as mindfulness, and therapies such as Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT).

The existence and function of resistance could be debated till the cows come home. I’ll just say that its a bit like the master emotion of shame. Typically, the more fiercely we deny it’s existence within us, the more of it we likely have. And it’s the bedrock of all self -defeating and self-sabotaging behavior, to be sure.

From the perspective of the beautifully holistic Internal Family Systems Therapy (IFS) model, and the Multiplicity of Mind philosophy from which it springs, we could look at resistance as not our essence, but simply a part of us. A part that, like all parts, have a positive intent and play a specific role on our Larger Self system. In this way of thinking, each part attempts to help us in the only way it knows how. Even if that way is directly counter to what we (Our Larger Self/True Self) is trying to accomplish.

There’s one version of the paradox of change right there!

And until that part is accepted (the prerequisite), recognized, engaged and understood for what it has been trying to do for us and why, it will simply keep on doing that which it’s been designed and conditioned to do. But, in this way of conceptualizing and working with our internal self system, we inevitably find that all parts—especially those that perform extreme functions—are tired. Tired of doing the same thing, the same way. When properly engaged, our parts invariably tell us that they are amenable to change; to updating their role and duty in the Self System.

Resistance can also be looked at more globally, even spiritually, in terms of the basic polarity and duality of what it means to be human. If we were born or incarnated here in earth school (my view) as perfectly whole, undivided souls, insofar as all life is experience-based learning and growing as we go via trial and error (no manual, right?), I would wonder, what would be the point? So I accept resistance as one facet of who we are. Not some aberration or accident of Divine design.

I really believe part of all our journey is learning how to contend with resistance, see it in action, dance with it, hold it, ride the dialectic between acquiescing and fighting; accepting and challenge it by creatively subverting, channeling, and ultimately transmuting the energy of resistance into that which serves us, others, and the world (the cognitive triad) best at any given point.

Speaking of transmuting energy, in essence, this is exactly what my ever-evolving energy psychology (ep), somatic, solution-focused approach called Subconscious Heal and Release aims to do. In using this healing method, our internal resistance naturally arises in the form of old traumas, limiting beliefs, and trapped emotional energies that hold us back and keep us out of alignment with whatever goal we’re working together to achieve. Its rooted in Multiplicity of Mind theory and the IFS method, but catapulted in its efficiency and accuracy via the Spiritual Science of the Spoken Word and my creative use of kinesiological muscle testing in concert with intuition/higher guidance.

As they say, there’s more than one way to skin a cat. (Poor kitty :<).

If you been considering or are looking for a Nashville Therapist or a Therapist in Franklin, or for that matter, if you’re open to meeting via Telehealth/Video from virtually anywhere in the world, visit me at Therapy Outside the Box for more info on my services, including which ones are available on a “coaching” or consultation basis worldwide. You can also call me directly at 615.430.2778, or email me at chris@therapyoutsidethebox.com to set up a FREE 20 MINUTE CLARITY CALL about how I can help you best!

Peace, Love, and Acceptance,

Chris

Transforming Trauma into Wisdom

“History is not the past. It’s the stories we tell ourselves about the past. How we tell these stories- triumphantly or self-critically, metaphysically or dialectically- has a lot to do with whether we cut short or advance our evolution as human beings.” - Grace Lee Boggs

“Trauma without the negative charge equals wisdom” -Dr. Joe Dispenza.

The question is, how to do this? How to dilute the negative charge from a traumatic memory, so that only the experience remains, and a new story emerges containing only the wisdom.

Surely there is more than one way. All sorts of therapies have their approaches.

Cutting-edge brain research out of neuroscience and neuropsychology proposes that all methods that effectively do this are, whether they know it or not, following an essential formula by which the memory of the event, of what created a trauma response, is being targeted and overridden.

This piece about memory is key. All modern trauma-related treatments target the “memory signature” of the event, rather than the event itself. And there is, as I’m learning, a holographic, or holonomic nature to our memories. I’ll visit that more in a future post.

As I’m studying various approaches to what’s called (what Bruce Ecker, LMFT introduced as) Memory Reconsolidation- a name for a specific neuro-informed formula for rewriting the story of a traumatic memory, it occurs to me that it’s not unlike what the shamans (The original “doctors of the soul”) likely accomplish through indigenous rituals, of soul retrieval and the like. And they’ve been doing this for thousands of years, without the benefit of modern neuroscience and neurospychological understandings.

Do shamans, practitioners of ancient wisdom, brain scientists, and modern schools of psychological thought talk to each other and agree to such a formula? Not that I know of. Which leads me to think it’s a kind of Hundreth Monkey Effect in action, whereby through the collective consciousness an idea emerges and the “signal” of that idea is then perceived and adopted into action.

But that’s whole ‘nother topic! (See: Rupert Sheldrake for more on this).

As we know from what the stoic philosophers taught, it’s not what happened to us so much as the meaning we make of it that matters. The stories we tell ourselves, and specifically the beliefs we arrive at about ourselves, others, and the world (the “cognitive triad”) is what’s responsible for an event having undue shaping power over us.

A simple event from our past holds the Power to make or break us, depending on the immediate conclusions drawn, and the unfolding narrative we attach to it.

Were we victims or victors?

Did we fail or will we flourish?

We don’t have to remain victims to our circumstances. With the right support, we all have the capacity to create what we choose to create.

We often forget that, as sole owners of our life story, we have an innate capacity to rewrite it. the rewriting of a traumatic event can be quickly accomplished through approaches that incorporate the steps involved in the modern memory reconsolidation practice.

Memory reconsolidation is built around three essential steps:

1 Recalling or reactivating the event- briefly, without re-experiencing it.

2 Exploring the negative beliefs/assumptions/conclusions drawn from the event and identfying new, future present-based beliefs/assumptions/conclusions desired (i.e what you prefer to believe about yourself, others and the world).

3 Create via a symbolic “mismatch” or “corrective emotional experience” a new meaning experience that evokes these new beliefs/assumptions/conclusions.

4 Objectively describe memory while integrating the new meaning experience ( through telling the story that incorporates the new beliefs and/or using the spiritual science of the spoken word (such as through my Energy Healing approach) to decree and affirm the new beliefs/assumptions/conclusions about self, others, and the world).

5 New narrative integration- repeating and revising the story until the new desired meaning about the old memory feels true and the “charge” is diminished through the re-telling.

This specific formula (minus my Energy Healing component) is what Courtney Armstrong, MEd, LPC calls the RECON method.

If you have a disturbing memory from your past and you need help to reframe and rewrite into your Victor Story, I am available to help you via Telehealth/Video from virtually anywhere, as part of my Integrative Counseling practice.

Visit me at Therapy Outside the Box for more information, or to schedule a FREE 20 Minute Phone Consult. Or call: 615.430.2778 or email me at: chris@therapyoutsidethebox.com

Peace to You and Yours,

Chris Hancock, LCSW, ACMHP

Empathy > Narcissism

It’s been said that the information age helped create, or ushered us into the age of narcissism.

With the advent of social media in particular, for all its virtues, we’ve certainly seen an exceptionally self(ie)-focused collective personality emerge from the shadow of the collective, haven’t we?

Has it made narcissists of us all? I wouldn’t say that.

Yet, clearly it doesn’t always bring forward our best.

And aren’t we seeing this echoed on the world stage? As a culture, I feel we’ve passively encouraged increasingly outrageous, dehumanizing, and dangerous online behavior, such that consistent legal challenges have emerged with respect to what constitutes hate speech, bullying, and the like.

Wasn’t Former Presidential advisor Steve Bannon just banned for life from Twitter for inciting beheadings?

And lest we forget 45 essentially lit the match of his political popularity by trolling 44, igniting a firestorm of shadow-dwelling white nationalism and other warped, anti-social, hate-based ideologies in the process.

But I digress. Sort of.

If it’s true that the information age begot the age of narcissism, we do now, thankfully, seem to be on the cusp of a shift. I’m wanting to believe that.

45’s out. That appears true at the time of this writing. Though no one half-awake expects him to bow out gracefully, and I doubt he’s gong anywhere. And neither is the bigger problem, 45-ism, in my opinion. But that’s another post.

Here’s the thing.

It was always easy to paint 45 as a narcissist. Ridiculously easy. Very few (convincingly) denied that he appeared to meet most if not all the professional criteria by simple observation of his own remarkably consistent, remarkably horrible words and actions.

Now, I’m biased, I admit. Growing up on Long island, 45 minutes from Manhattan, the never-ending stories of his scamming, threatening, evading, bullying, defrauding, lecherousness, and generally anti-social behavior (not to mention his vicious, flamingly racist and baseless indictment of the Central Park Five) had me intuitively conclude long ago that narcissism was surely present, yes, but only the surface of a deep disturbance that’s since been conjectured about extensively since.

As for him personally, he is who he is. And he is worthy of empathy no less or more than anyone else.

I repeat, he is worthy and deserving of empathy.

Admittedly, that’s a lot easier for me now that he no longer possesses the power of leadership he neither deserved nor was capable of wielding properly, in my opinion.

But I focus on this here because I view (the rise of) 45 as a symbol and sign of the times—a mirror reflection of the point at which we’ve come as a culture, as a people. And by this I mean a people nearly inspirable from the digital avatars we’ve merged with.

10 seconds into the first recent Presidential debate evidenced this pretty well.

No decorum. No civility. No respect. No substance.

A lot like we see in ourselves online today.

I thought it was a promising sign that most folks on seemingly all sides decried it outright.

So if 45 was the figurehead; the bursting pimple on the collective narcissistic forehead of America, and he’s not to return to the throne, I presume (I pray) there’s only one direction we can head.

The direction of empathy.

Why do I say?

Back to narcissism for a minute. A little primer…

Think of narcissism in the broadest terms by first understanding that there is healthy narcissism. It’s in all of us; from a developmental stage where it’s essentially all about “me!” that we enter once it dawns upon us that we are actually a separate being from Mommy.

“I’m ready for my due, world, here I am”

When successfully navigated by caregivers, by “good enough" parenting (in the words of the famous child psychiatrist Donald Winnicott,) then this stage naturally gives over to the emergence of empathy- of cooperation, give and take, humility, of the beginnings of intimacy (in-to-me-u-see) and other such pro-social traits.

When this stage is not successfully resolved, when there are severe, especially prolonged frustrations, when healthy narcissistic mirroring needs are met with responses like consternation and dismissiveness, unhealthy shame ignites.

That’s where the trouble starts.

Those who appear to develop real problems in their self-concept, unable to successfully resolve the early narcissistic rite of passage, may develop real deficits in pro-social relating whereby its difficult- sometimes perhaps impossible- to see others as separate, sovereign beings existing for reasons other than to provide narcissistic gratification to oneself.

There’s a mere snapshot of how healthy narcissism turns dark, malignant, and functions as a grand (though ever-so-shaky) defense against core-level shame and self hate. By conforming to its opposite: grandiosity, entitlement, omnipotence.

A house of cards personality.

And so if narcissism is in essence a master defense against a most insecure and unstable sense of self, as many others before me have argued, and if our American Humpty Dumpty of a figurehead just fell and can’t be put back together; if The Great Oz has been revealed to be a cavernously empty power hungry man-child emperor without clothes, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing, and if he is essentially mirroring us, then where do we go from here?

Culturally, and collectively, I say we now have a chance to see ourselves for who we really are.

To remember who we really are.

To wake up.

Yes, Narcissus has a chance, yet again, to gaze into the fabled stream and see himself for who he truly is. A perfectly imperfect, fallible yet still infinitely loveable, whole human being. Essentially worthy, loved, loveable, and interconnectedly inseparable from the whole.

As the ancient wisdom and spiritual traditions teach, there is no “I.”

We are each other.

We are fragments, fractals of the whole of creation. Of The Divine.

Perhaps, as Americans, it’s our chance yet again to see our brother as ourselves. To be our brother’s keeper. To treat they neighbor as thyself, and all that good stuff.

And to Rise Strong, as Brene’ Brown would say.

Poetic Justice perhaps that Ole Uncle Joe is taking the helm. Love or hate him, agree or disagree with him, see a Saint or Sinner in him, or care not either way, there’s an interesting near-consensus that he possesses one thing in abundance.

You guessed it: Empathy. Genuine empathy.

And that means, as far as the mirror theory goes, that it’s still there in us. We haven’t completely lost our way in the U.S.A.

As far as Ole Joe, I suspect he probably always had it; that his early developmental stages were more or less successfully navigated. If not, then I guess there’s nothing like multiple tragic losses of loved ones to drive it home that you are not the center of the universe, lest there was any doubt.

For every action there’s an equal and opposite reaction.

Law of Polarity.

Cause and effect.

Law of karma.

The pendulum swing.

However you slice it, makes sense to me that we’ve found ourselves here, America.

Empathy. It’s got my vote.

If you’re interested in learning more about me (“ME!, ME!, ME!”) please visit Therapy Outside the Box for more information on the services I offer, including Energy Healing, Spiritual Healing, and Integrative Counseling.

A FREE 20 Minute Consult by phone is always available. Call 615.430.2778 or email me at chris@therapyoutsidethebox.com or send a message through the website contact form.

Services offered via Telehealth/Video (two of them available worldwide) during this time of COVID-19.

Peace to You and Yours,

Chris Hancock, LCSW, ACMHP

Wounded Parts, Whole Self

Have you ever heard yourself thinking, or said: “There’s a part of me that…”

Have you ever had, for example, an acute pain response, be it physical (acute injury) or emotional (shock, grief, panic), and recall there being a part of you that was observing or witnessing yourself experiencing the pain without being affected by it?

I bet you have. We all have. Unless we’re disproportionately out of touch with our inner being, our body-based knowing, we all intuitively recognize that we are, essentially, multiple.

Yes, multiple.

Psychologically speaking, we’re both one and many.

It seems the human psyche is a labyrinth of different, separate yet connected parts. Parts that are indelibly shaped and conditioned by all our experiences, our social environment/important others, as well as all the traditions, spoken and unspoken rules, norms, and taboos of the cultural context out of which we arise.

Yet, we all have a singular, unified essence. And arguably, there’s ultimately just One Mind of which we’re all but parts—ever connected to the All That There is.

“The total number of minds in the Universe is One”

Erwin Schrödinger

Now Schrödinger, an adherent to the philosophy of Advaita Vedanta, referred to the concept of multiplicity as simply “apparent,” as if to further illustrate his One Mind concept cited above. (Welcome to the paradox of it all).

The core of multiplicity stems from Multiplicity of Mind theory, of which there’s both a philosophical and a psychological arm. The (modern) theorist most notable for going to town on the psychological side is undoubtedly Dr. Richard Schwartz, PhD, developer of the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model of therapy.

In short, IFS is a model that proposes we all have what he calls a Self, or a “Larger Self.” And we all have what he simply calls “parts.”

(Have you seen the wonderful Pixar film “Inside Out?” Schwartz’ IFS model was the blueprint!).

The Self, in Schwartz’ view, is our true, untouched, infinitely whole essence. This is our ever-connected, innocent and beautiful core state, akin to what complementary models call the “Wise Mind, or “Wiser Self,” synonymous with eastern spiritual conceptions of the Higher Self, Soul or Spirit.

Our parts he views as subpersonalities, split off from the Larger Self, often polarized (at odds) with each other, and all playing important roles and carrying out specific functions for us, for better or worse— though he posits that our parts are always trying to help us. ot always in the best ways mind you, but in the only way they know how.

Basically, the more difficult the childhood, the more parts we have, according to Schwartz.

To me, it’s no wonder the progressive spiritual community at large has adopted the concept. Many life, spiritual, and transformational and coaches seem to have adopted the idea of “parts work.”. In creating IFS, Schwartz went headlong into the treasure trove of eastern spiritual literature to flesh out his concept of The Self, which greatly shaped his utterly intuitive and relatable model. Strangely though, I have yet to come across one noted (public) spiritual teacher or coach that credits Schwartz, references IFS, or any of the precursor psychological schools of thought that incorporated multiplicity in their models. In contrast, I see many speaking about “parts work” as if it were their own conception. And I shudder to think how many people become unnecessarily and/or inadvertently triggered by well-meaning but insufficiently prepared teachers or coaches doing parts work with folks who’ve been severely traumatized.

But I digress.

Schwartz identifies three groups/types of parts—exiles (the youngest, most wounded and vulnerable parts of us), managers (who help protect exiles), and firefighters (parts that spring into action [often consequential, as in wild spending, drug use, unsafe sex, etc] when managers becoming overwhelmed in their function and the system is perceived to be threatened with overwhelm, or what Schwartz calls “flooding”).

Having studied IFS and many of it’s precursors [ego state therapy, transactional analysis, psychosynthesis, and others) since 2005, and incorporating it into my work, I have to say I adore IFS for its non-pathologizing and utterly hopeful stance on human nature, the psyche, meatal health, and how we can all heal, grow and evolve.

Because, from the IFS perspective, there is nothing wrong or broken about us. There is nothing broken. Nothing to “fix.”

We can heal. We can create harmony amongst our parts, unify and inhabit our Larger Self.

How beautiful is that?

Healing in this regard means, essentially, de-fragmenting; creating harmony and integration with and among our parts. It means helping our parts to take on new, updated, more helpful roles and functions better aligned with our present day hopes and goals, as well as getting to sense, feel, and inhabit our Larger Self state as much of the time as possible. Schwartz says we know we’re in our Self (Self-Led) when we feel things like, calmness, centerdness, connectedness, clarity, creativity, and compassion.

Now, here’s where I branch off.

IFS, in practice, the way Schwartz and other teaches it, I’ve found to be a bit laborious, cumbersome, hard to track. So I use IFS—the multiplicity concept at the root, specifically— more integratively, along with other ideas and methods, both as part of my Integrative Counseling specialty, and my Energy Healing (Subconscious Heal and Release®) approach. This approach of mine blends IFS at the foundation, along with subtle energy psychology (ep), somatic, mindbody therapy, a solution focused outcome-oriented focus, utilizes Spiritual Science of the Spoken Word, and kinesiological muscle testing combined with a claircognizant/clairsentient ability. I find to be a faster, cleaner and more efficient way of “unburdening” our parts, creating unity with the Self, and aligning with all we truly wish to do, achieve, feel, and experience.

There are, as they say, more ways than one to skin a cat.

If you’re seeking a Nashville Therapist or Franklin Therapist, and are interested in a multiplicity-minded integrative counseling experience, and/or rapidly releasing old trauma, limiting beliefs and trapped emotions through my Subconscious Heal and Release® approach, please visit me at Therapy Outside the Box or call me directly at 615.430.2778 to set up a FREE 20 Minute Phone Consult, or email me: chris@therapyoutsidethebox.com.

I am available virtually worldwide via Secure Video/Telehealth, and on a case by case (COVID-19) basis in my home office in Franklin, TN.

Peace to you and yours,

Chris Hancock, LCSW, ACMHP

Depression or Pandemic 'New Reality' Blues?

Depression is a many-headed beast. Though the symptoms and expressions can look similar person to person, the root causes are many fold. In fact, someone very smart person (I can’t recall who at the moment) through research found there to be approx 400 distinct root causes/major contributors to depression. How about that?

The mainstream medical-psychiatric pathology model tends to reduce depression to mere biology and genetics, while the bio-psycho-social person-in-environment model (such as I was taught in grad school) looks at socio-cultural factors, psychological strength vs deficit factors, as well as interpersonal and family history. This model is more holistic, and less pejorative, for sure. Yet, the spiritual/psychospiritual domain of life is not much considered through either of these frames. So if, for example, what you’re really experiencing is a purely spiritual/existential Dark Night of the Soul (which I’ll surely write about in future posts) the chances of it (and you) being misunderstood, medically misdiagnosed and mis-treated, are great.

After 20 or so years talking with people experiencing various degrees and expressions of depression, and having been through at least two notable bouts (and one recent profound and life-altering Dark Night experience) myself, I’ve come to see depression as an infinitely complex, meaning-laden response condition; one not reducible to any one factor or cause. Because even if we’re heavily genetically loaded for depression, as the old saying goes, “genetics may load the gun, but trauma (environment) pulls the trigger.” Meaning, we are inseparable from the culture we live in and all the ramifications and manifestations of being a person embedded in and affected by our social environment. As such, one’s personal, idiosyncratic experience of depression, and the manner in which we endeavor to understand its meaning and therapeutically respond to it should be as nuanced as the person is [understood to be] a unique individual.

And how do you measure that? Because we are all unique (paradox: just like everyone else!).

So how do we know if we are truly depressed— clinically, medically, to the degree that it needs clinical, possibly even medical attention, rather than a just little down for longer than usual, more sad than not, appropriately grieving, or otherwise exhibiting a perfectly rational response to a crazy world?

"It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.” said Krishnamurti

Personally, I would argue that modern society, today, is perhaps no more “sick” than it ever was. Rather, a convergence of things seen and unseen has our collective ills on full display, flushed up to the surface, and into the cold, hard light off day. So if we feel depressed right now in the context of a sick society in full focus, I ask you this:

Who is the patient? Us, or our culture itself?

COVID-19 is putting constraints on—and changing— us all. Even if you believe it to be a “hoax,” or overblown, you still have to interact with others that are responding as if its a worldwide crisis. Institutions are changing, and day to day living is markedly different. Nothing is quite like it was. Now some folks are constitutionally rolling with it better than others. And some, especially those that were struggling emotionally, psychologically or relationally before it hit, are very well seeing an exacerbation of signs and symptoms of depression, to say nothing of those thrust into a survival mode due to having lost their income, or housing, and the immediacy of the all out crisis state this produces.

Political views aside (though we cannot entirely extract belief and conditioned perspectives from the equation) our baseline response to the pandemic and all the “new normal” adjustments are impacting all of us in some way or another. And our mental health, collectively and individually, is on the line the longer it goes on.

Let us apply the Goldilocks Principle here. If your response so far is “too cold” (i.e. I don’t care, not affecting me at all, nothing I can do about it), then you’re probably not depressed in the slightest. Great. But, on balance, you might have some work to do on cultivating sensitivity, compassion, empathy. Some personal growth-oriented therapy work might come in handy there.

If your response is “too hot” (i.e. You’re cripplingly depressed— don’t want to eat, get out of bed, feel utterly terrified and/or hopeless), then that depression—situationally triggered as it might be— is most likely hooking into and magnifying predisposing factors, be they genetic, environmental, and/or previously un-examined, unhealed trauma. If this is the case, I hope you seek immediate attention, and I’d be glad to offer you a Free 20 Minute Consult to assess your needs and help you make some decisions (whether or not that involved working with me).

If your Pandemic response is “just right” (i.e. You’re affected, you feel it, you might get anxious or even dispirited about what’s going on, you’re concerned for others as well as yourself, and you recognize the rather dystopian flavor of it all while maintaining a sense that this too shall pass and you’re hopeful at to what’s to come), then you’re probably alright. Probably “Pandemic Blues,” and nothing more. My guess here would be you’re someone with good, as they say “pre-morbid” functioning (i.e. you were doing pretty well in most domains before all this) and you’re probably generally worldly, reasonably psychologically-minded and emotionally intelligent, and tend toward a big picture view of yourself, others, and the world.

This might even be your awakening time. Good for you.

In the end, there’s no “wrong” response to what’s happening out there. How we see it, what meaning we make, and how we cope and respond says as much about who we are (the sum total of our genetics, history, and each and every culture-bound experience that’s shaped us, consciously or unconsciously) as anything else.

Often it’s those among us that care the deepest, that are the most sensitive and empathic, and that have been hurt the most, that experience the most severe impact, but also stand the greatest chance of thriving on the other side of crisis—be that world crisis, or the more personal Noonday Demon that is depression. Especially if we rise to the challenge of seeking and accepting help, including for our mental health, if and when we need it.

If YOU are struggling, feel depressed, or aren’t sure if you are, but recognize the need for experienced assistance, my Integrative Counseling specialty might be worth considering. Available to Tennessee residents via Secure Video/Telehealth from the comfort of your home, or in my home office in Franklin, TN on a case by case basis.

Visit me at Therapy Outside the Box to learn more about why I believe there’s an outside the box solution to every problem. Or send me an email at Chris@therapyoutsidethebox.com or call me at 615.430.2778.

Peace to you and yours,

Chris Hancock, LCSW, ACMHP